In the past, I held a customer service based job. In the name of professionalism, I shan’t divulge any information about what the business was, but I wanted to share some of my more unusual interactions with customers. Here are just a few:
Me: Hello, how can I help?
Customer: (angry tone) Basically, I’m having a lot of trouble with my order.
Me: Okay, well, just to let you know, inquiries about existing orders have to go through customer services and unfortunately, you are not through to them at the moment.
Customer: I know that! You really need to go back to customer service school, because you’re being very rude.
Me: I’m very sorry you feel that way. I did not mean to be rude. I just needed to tell you that you’ll need customer services if you want to-
Customer: C*nt. (hangs up)
Me: Could I have your name, address and telephone number, please?
Customer: No. I wouldn’t have to provide all these details if I ordered in a store, so why should I do so when buying something over the phone?
Me: I’m afraid we can’t send you anything if we don’t know who you are or where you live.
Me: Could I take your postcode please, sir?
Customer: (sigh) It’s XXX XXX.
Me: Thank you. And the first line of your address now, please.
Customer: You should already have it, I’ve given you my post code!
Me: Unfortunately, post codes indicate specific areas, but not specific houses, so you’ll still need to tell me.
Me: Could I have your customer number, please?
Customer: You’ve got a very sexy voice.
Me: Your customer number, please.
Customer: It’s a shame we can’t fool around together sometime.
Me: Is there anything else you wanted to order today?
Me: Customer services are busy at the moment, so you’ve come through to me.
Customer: Alright, well, I’ve got an ongoing complaint and I need you to look into it.
Me: Okay, well, I don’t have access to the records, but leave me your name and number and I’ll have customer services call you back tomorrow. I know I said they were busy earlier, but I’m so used to saying that. I meant to say they’re actually not in today.
Customer: So you lied to me.
Me: Well, I wouldn’t say that. I misspoke to you is how I’d put it.
Customer: Nah. You lied. You can’t back-peddle now. You know I record all of these calls?
Me: Okay. That’s perfectly fine. I do not have an issue with that.
Customer: Yeah. And I’m sending the recording to the newspapers. I’m sure they’ll be very interested to know that you lied to me so openly.
Me: Well, you are of course perfectly entitled to do that, but I don’t think the newspapers will actually be as interested as you expect them to be.
Customer: Oh, they will be very interested…
(five minutes of pointless arguing later)
Customer: I’m just mainly annoyed at you for wasting my time.
Me: With all due respect sir, I could just as easily say that you have wasted my time. You’ve been speaking about what you perceived as a lie for five minutes now.
Customer: I’m the customer. You can’t say I’m wasting time.
Me: Well, I have.
Customer: (hangs up)
Me: And could I take your date of birth, please?
Customer: What do you want next, my bloody eye colour?
Me: While I appreciate the offer, I wouldn’t have a field to put that in.
Me: Okay dokey. So, now I’m going to need your product code.
Customer: Urgh. Can you please not use that hugely irritating phrase, please?
Me: I’m sorry. Would you prefer righty-ho?
Customer: I love that beautiful smile in your voice.
Me: Oh my.
That’s enough for now, but I may write another post on this subject in the future.
(Don’t miss today’s Finger Puppet Show!)