Old Writings 4 (TWAC Day 22)

Here’s the very last of my ‘old’ Christmas writings. By this point, I was no longer eleven, I was either thirteen or fourteen, so it isn’t quite as laughably bad. Hopefully though, you’ll still enjoy reading this. So here’s the story ‘Back for Christmas’ (unedited):

“Oh my God what the hell is that?” said Santa while delivering presents on Christmas Eve as something crashed into his sleigh knocking him out of it.
“You stupid door you’re supposed to open when I put this key in you.” shouted Bobby
“That’s a microwave Bobby.” said Charley when suddenly Santa crashed through the ceiling of the doughnut factory and landed in front of Bobby.
“Who am I and what am I doing here,” said Santa “oh wait I’m Santa Claus and I need to deliver all the presents to the children.”
“No you’re just confused Santa’s not real he’s just a character like Jesus.” said Bobby.
“They do have proof he was a real man Bobby.” said Charley.
“Yep that’s right just like Jesus.” said Bobby.
“So I guess that means I’m just some average guy. I’d better find a place to stay it’s cold this winter.” said Santa and he left the building.
“Who was that Bobby?” asked Anne.
“A guy who thought he was Santa. Crazy eh?” said Bobby.
“But Santa is real.”
“No he is not!”
“You’ve met him twice before Bobby remember with the giant evil Christmas trees and the time all of Fox City were his slaves!”
“Oh right.”
Bobby and Anne went out into the night looking for him to explain that he really was Santa.
“We’ll never find him.” said Anne.
“Yes we can all we need to do is check the mayor’s security cameras and see if we can spot him.” said Bobby.
“What and the mayor has cameras all over the town does she?”
“Yes in hope that Tom Cruise will walk past naked.”
“Oh right.”
When they got to the town hall they saw that there was a sleigh crashed into the roof.
Bobby and Anne entered the mayors office.
“We need to see the security tapes or I’ll show the whole world the last remaining video that shows you clearly as a prostitute!” said Bobby.
“My God! You can if you let me have that video.”
“Deal.”
Mrs. Mayor grabbed the video pushed a button and the floor opened up to reveal a pit of fire. She threw the video in.
“What’s that for?”
“Encase I get unwanted visitors I press this button the floor opens up and they fall in the hole. I got the idea off The Simpsons.”
“Ok let’s see what we’ve got here. So some police box appearing out of nowhere outside the church, some guy is getting murdered outside this building right now, the orphanage is on fire, Elvis Presley is in disguise and secretly still alive and walking down a street in our town. Oh here’s Santa, he’s headed for the school.” said Bobby
“We must get there!” said Anne.
Bobby and Anne rushed the school.
“I remember when I went to this school they still even have the same computer.” said Bobby as he walked through the school corridors.
They went into Miss. Woods office.
“Have you seen a fat guy wearing red with a beard around here?” Bobby asked.
“It’s really important.” added Anne.
“Yes I have and I hired him as a janitor and…”
“Can I have a chair? The floor is cold and hurty.” said a small boy.
“GET OUT BEFORE I KILL YOU!” Bellowed Miss Woods and the little boy ran out crying.
“I’m done now Ogelda. Can I please go?” asked Santa as he came in the room.
“Yes,” said Miss Woods “but don’t ever use my real name again!”
“Hay wait I told you, you weren’t Santa but you are and you need to deliver all the presents to the little kiddies before it’s to late!” said Bobby.
“You’re right” said Santa.
Bobby, Anne and Santa left the room.
When outside they could hear a strange humming sound.
A Unowatien army squad landed.
The Unowatien army leader stepped out “Oh no! the one they call San-ta is still alive. We cannot invade the Earth because he will defeat us again. RETREAT!” All the ships flew away.
“Oh that was when there were all those evil trees.” said Anne.
“I’d better get moving.” said Santa and he snapped his fingers and some reindeers flew up to him pulling his sleigh and he flew away in it.
“Oh look It’s midnight.” said Anne “Happy Christmas Bobby.”
“And a happy Christmas to you to Anne and incidentally a happy Christmas to anyone whose reading this.”
“Who are you talking to Bobby?”
“How should I know?”

And that was the last Christmas Fox City would ever see. Two stories later everybody (literally everybody) died 😀

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