This is it! The lockdown is finally being eased. In these happy and glorious times, I thought it would be nice to write a blog post on all of the things we can look forward to doing once again as life finally gets back to normal! So below are my picks for the top ten things to look forward to as lockdown eases.
10. Invading the personal space of strangers
Keeping two metres away from peopled sucked. I’m sure we all missed randomly touching strangers, brushing our hand against their faces, looking into their eyes and seeing the fear. Thank goodness we can do that again. Personal space no longer exists. And have you heard of inappropriate touching? That just means it’s ‘in’ the realms of what is appropriate. Boom. Get out there.
9. Coughing in each others’ mouths
Having to cover your mouth and not go out if you have a cough is ridiculous. How were we ever supposed to build up an immune system? Thankfully, it is now safe for us to cough into one another’s mouths once again. Recommended by most doctors, this is a method referred to as ‘Nature’s Vaccine’ why inject a little bit of the illness along with autism poison at the doctor’s, when you can just cough in each other’s mouths and become immune to each others’ illnesses? I can’t wait to get out and start doing it.
8. Never having to wash your hands ever again
Washing your hands is bad for you. The water dries up your skin and you never get to build up an immunity to any of the germs in the world. Now that we finally don’t have to wash our hands, we can get back to living like real people. Can you believe we had to spend twenty seconds washing our hands when all this started? Add all that time up and the human race has probably lost a good four hundred years in which they could have cured cancer and done lots of other good stuff too. Now we can finally get back on track.
7. Immunity from all illnesses and disease
You made it through this, didn’t you? The biggest health scare of our time. This turned out to be a lot of fuss about nothing. Next time you get ill, there’s no need to go to the doctor, because you’ll be fine. If you didn’t catch coronavirus, it’s obviously because your superior genetics made you immune and if you’re immune to the most dangerous illness in the world, you are immune to everything!
6. Destroying the Earth via Climate Change
Bit of a controversial one here, but Climate Change is a natural process and while we were in lockdown the effects started to be reversed ever so slightly. This can’t be good because, as you know, if something is natural, it’s good, so why reverse it? Think about the dinosaurs. I’m sure they made loads of fuss about the meteorite, but that was fine in the end because they just evolved into humans and now look at us? We’re better than them, they couldn’t even talk! So when Climate Change destroys the Earth, we’ll just evolve into something better. I’m hoping we finally have the power to turn invisible. Or to fly. These are the things so-called environmentalists are robbing you of.
5. Not going outside, but being pleased you have the choice
I’m an indoorsy person. I never go outside. Ever. But you know what got my heckles up? Not being allowed to do it. It got me so mad, that even though we technically were only allowed out once a day, I went out like sixteen or seventeen times, just to make a point. I am not a prisoner. I will go wherever I please. Now that I won that right back for myself, I’ll be spending all of my time in my favourite place: right at home. I’m even going to start having groceries home delivered so I don’t have to go to the shops.
4. Sharing syringe needles for recreational drug use
I mean, heroin is expensive enough as it is! Why should I have to fork out to buy loads of needles anyway? With the pandemic over, I can just get back to using the one needle. I’ve always been a humanitarian, so on Saturday nights I like to invite in about ten to twenty homeless people round for a bit of heroin. We sit in a circle and pass my only syringe around. I can’t wait to get that tradition started again.
3. Going to the polling station to vote Conservative on voting day
Let’s be honest, if it wasn’t for Boris Johnson and his friends in the Conservative Party, we’d still be in lockdown. In fact, the global pandemic would probably still be a thing. I bet nobody’s going to thank the UK for solving everything though, are they? Ungrateful foreigners. I always look forward to voting Tory on voting day and I’m glad that we will be allowed outside to do that whenever the next election will be. It is a bit of a hassle though, so I suggest that we make the next vote the final one and then just keep the winners (which will obviously be national heroes, the Conservatives) forever.
2. The sound knowledge that the pandemic is over and can never happen again
Bit of an obvious one really. This is a once in a lifetime event. Our lives are going to be smooth sailing from now on.
1. Going to open seafood markets
I was reading about how this whole thing started and it seems to have come from an open seafood market. Now, I’ve never been to one of these, but it sounded great. I think one of the biggest tragedies of this whole pandemic, is the fact that these will have been closed down. Supposedly they have bats at these things? That’s great. I wonder what they taste like? All I know is that when I went down to Morrison’s last Thursday, I couldn’t find bats anywhere. Now that I think about it, there are loads of animals I’ve never eaten before, so I’m really excited by the prospect of getting to go to these open seafood markets in future.
I hope you will enjoy all of these things. What are you looking forward to? What a time to be alive.