The cost of living crisis is making things harder for all of us, so I decided I’d take the time to write a list of ten top pieces of advice for anybody who’s feeling the bite. These are ten easily actionable tips that literally anybody can start doing right away, and which will help you spread every pound a little further.
Eat Less Greggs
It’s fair to say that the average person spends between £50 and £100 on Greggs every single day. It might not sound a lot, but if you cut out those daily Greggs, you’ll actually find yourself with a tasty bit of savings at the end of each month. I found myself with an extra £3,021 each month just by going from having Greggs every day, to just having Greggs every other day.
Put the rent up
There are probably going to be hundreds of people who have a roof over their head thanks to you. Your benevolence allows them to live in comfort in exchange for a small amount of their monthly pay check, and they don’t have to pay any of the costs associated with home-ownership either. By increasing the rent on just one of your properties by 25%, you could easily find yourself with a few extra hundreds each month – the cost of living crisis effects us all, and you should feel no guilt about doing this.
Keep the help off the books
A little bit of a controversial one here, but if you hire help through all of the official channels, you’re going to be bound by things like minimum wage and holiday entitlements. If you go off the books, all of a sudden, you can trim huge amounts off the serving staff costs. Good help is a bit harder to find these days, in the post-Brexit world, but there are still people who are desperate for work at any cost, and you can be the man to give it to them.
Relocate your headquarters
Yes, the UK is becoming more and more tax-friendly by the year, but if your business’s headquarters is still located on British soil, you’re potentially spending much more than you need to. Worried you’re going to have to spend lots of money on the relocation? Don’t be silly. Just buy a shed in the Cayman Islands, make that the “official” headquarters, and continue to operate as usual in the UK. You won’t believe the amount that you could be saving.
Have sex with your wife
We get it. Your marriage is loveless and you probably haven’t felt a positive feeling towards your wife for at least ten years at this point, but she is still a woman and a woman has a body. Once you add it all up, the cost of all those escorts is going to make a substantial dent in your finances, so it’s important to remember that their are avenues for sexual fulfilment at home.
Settle out of court
Although an innocent verdict would be nicer for the newspapers, it’s not guaranteed, and settling out of court can help you to avoid the costs of a lengthy trial, as well as potentially ending in hefty fines. It’s a big payment all at once, but once you’ve paid it, the savings can be astronomical and all your troubles disappear at once. Just make sure it doesn’t get to the authorities next time!
Swap the cocaine for another drug
You need an outlet, that’s understandable. You work hard and you have a stressful life, but while cocaine may be appealing, it’s certainly not the cheapest hit out there. If you can, try to replace it with a combination of alcohol and cigarettes. If that still doesn’t do it, try and go for a natural hit of adrenalin by starting violent altercations with strangers on the street- just be careful of the authorities – you don’t want any more legal fees on your plate. (As a quick aside, the thrill of taking a human life, and nobody ever finding out, is one quite unlike any other – I definitely recommend it).
Cut back on insurance
No doubt, you’re paying huge amount of life insurance each month for your children. Of course, when they were a baby, their life seemed to be the most precious thing to you in the world, but now they’re a young twenty-something who’s always tweeting that you were an abusive father even though you gave them everything. Wouldn’t it be nicer to stop paying the life insurance? Well, if anything were to happen to them, you’d get a huge payout, and you wouldn’t need to worry about paying anymore either – and in today’s troubled world, young adults die tragically all the time. Nobody would suspect you. You’re innocent, of course. You could make a fair bit of money doing interviews in the local papers afterwards too. People love a sob story, and it’s a lot easier to say loving words about your kids after their dead.
Put your money into arms
We live in a troubled world. There is a lot of money in the arms-dealing industry these days, and it’s a slice of cake you should help yourself to. Worried about an end to tensions? Well, call in a favour from a few friends, and maybe certain peace talks fall through. All of a sudden, your money is worth twice as much as it was originally.
Buy out of date bread
Going into the supermarket later in the evening will mean that you have access to discount prices that others only dream of. £0.19 for a loaf of bread? Yes, please. The amount you’ll save by just going to the supermarket a little later is enormous.
So if you have been feeling the pinch lately, I hope that this helps free up a bit of room in your budget. If you aren’t doing these things, you have only yourself to blame for being poor.