In 2011, I struggled with a lot of things. I was not an affectionate person, either vocally or physically. I hated being touched by people in any context, but especially hugs, and quite honestly was quite a lonely person. I was aloof and kept to myself as much as possible because I was afraid of losing my friends. I was already feeling alienated from a lot of my friends at the time because of their increasing interest sex and alcohol, which had never much appealed to me, and I thought that going off to university would surly be the end, so I distanced myself to protect myself. That way I was in control.
In 2025, just a week or so ago, I had a lovely afternoon with one of the best people I’ve ever known – someone I was four years away from meeting in 2011. At the end of that day, we gave each other a nice long hug while telling each other how much we loved one another. It was beautiful. You might think that I am telling that story to say “Look how much I have changed over the years” but, actually, I am telling that story for the exact opposite reason.
2011 me is still me. I don’t mean to say that I still struggle with affection or that I want to distance myself from everyone or anything like that – what I mean is that my old self lives inside me. They’re not my main self, of course, but when someone holds me and tells me they love me, my 2011 self hears it. For that reason, it carries so much weight, because my younger self steps into the driving seat of my soul for just a second, and feels the love and affection that they never thought they’d be able to have in their life – and that they never thought they were worthy of having. I am so grateful to all of my friends, but I am also grateful for my young, aloof, insecure self. Had I never been them, I don’t think I’d be able to feel the love of the people in my life so profoundly now.
