As loyal subjects to our glorious (and dare I say, devilishly handsome) king, we’re all going to want to celebrate the coronation this weekend. This is probably going to be the most exciting and significant day in our pathetic little lives, after all. Marriage, children, holidays, promotions, parties? Nah. This is the crowning of our God-appointed ruler, people! Did God have anything to do with your birthday party? No, because he only cares about people who matter, like King Charles III. Anyway, without further ado, let’s get on with the celebrations!
1. Eat some food
Of course, with the cost of living crisis on, we can’t all afford to eat daily anymore, but this is a special occasion. Save up for a tin of beans or a loaf of bread (even better, salvage a mouldy loaf you’ve got in the back of the cupboard) and enjoy a banquet in honour of our monarch. This one’s on Charlie (well, not really).
2. Report anti-royalists to the police
Some people (if they deserve to be counted among humankind), don’t respect our beautiful royal family. If you are unfortunate enough to know any of these, report them to the police. Tell them that you think they are going to start a protest, and our friends in the force will be down there to protect the peace in no time – if we’re lucky, they might use a bit of the old police brutality too (if you can really call it brutality when it’s aimed at anti-royalist trash).
3. Contribute to a GoFundMe to help cover the legal fees of someone accused of sexual crimes
Just as they came for poor old Prince Andrew a couple of years ago, so too do the woke brigade come after countless innocent men and accuse them sexually abusing others, even though it’s all lies. These unfortunate heroes need your help to get through it okay, so just our dearly departed Queen helped out old Andy, you should find someone to help yourself.
4. Burn your photo ID
As you know, we now need photo ID to vote… but back in the old days, we didn’t need to vote, because our betters ruled us by divine appointment. The fact that we still have the ability to participate in democracy is an insult to the royal family – burn your photo ID today and pledge never to vote again. Charlie would like that. Hopefully we’ll be able to do away with all that rubbish soon anyway.
5. Send the king a present
If you reached a milestone in your life, you’d be pretty insulted if your so-called friends didn’t give you a present. You’re a friend of the king, aren’t you? Well then send him a gift. Nothing under £50 (that’d be an insult). If you can’t afford it, have you considered begging? Then it’s a present from the people as a whole, so it’s even nicer that way.
6. Paint a tribute to the king
The people of Bath created a kind tribute to old Charlie boy in the grass at the Royal Crescent. As we all know, the only good compliment you can pay a man is to tell him that he has enormous genitals, and the reason a Bath artist drew this huge penis in the grass is to send a message to the world: “The royal penis is the largest in history.”
7. Hand out pictures of King Charles III to the homeless
Unless they’re selfish jerks, homeless people delighted will be delighted to receive a picture of the king. “I may have it hard off,” they’ll say, “but it brings me comfort to know that the king, at least, able to live in comfort.”
8. Harass employees in shops
Smack them in the back of the head and say “You choosing to work on our king’s special day is an insult to our royal family, who do you think you are?” Then if they give you any trouble, take out a knife and… well, the NHS is in a state of crisis, so they won’t get treatment in time.
9. Leave your car running overnight
“We should be more worried about climate change,” say losers. As a way of showing them that we have more important things to be worrying about this weekend, leave your car running over night. It’ll send Charlie the message that he is the number one priority right now – if he sees your car, it’ll be a nice confidence boost for him.
10. Join a street party
There’s a lot of them on. That’ll be fun.
If you follow this advice, you’ll help make this the best day of dear old Charlie’s life. Have a good one, and long live the king!
