A Guide to Nightclubs

What they are:
Nightclubs are places where lots of people go to have dance parties. They play very loud music there, so you’ll have to be careful not to hurt your ears (guidelines for ear protection will be given shortly.) Usually you have to pay to come in, and sometimes they’re underground.

What People do There:
Like I said before, people like to go to nightclubs in order to have dance parties. Dancing can be a bit embarrassing though, so you might want to try what I call ‘The Gentleman’s All Purpose Dance Procedure’ which goes as follows: first bend your knees so you go down a little bit, and then unbend them so you go up a bit. This will make it look like your dancing and it’s suitable for any type of music that plays in nightclubs, making you look both hip and cool.

Another thing people like to do in nightclubs is to make new friends. With so many people dancing around, it’s very easy to go up to somebody. I’ve not tried it myself, but I think the best thing to do is to go up to a stranger and say “Hello, can we be friends?” some of the lads like to go a step further than this, often hoping to get hugged by some of the girls there.

Finally, people also like to drink a certain kind of drink called ‘alcohol’ they say it makes their visit to the nightclub more enjoyable.

What it’s Like:
Because there are always so many people in a nightclub, it often feels very crowded. If you take a trip to the dance floor, while following through with your dance procedure, the place will become so crowded that you’ll struggle to leave. When there are so many people, it gets very hot in there; you might even have to take off your jacket. Also it is very loud, so maybe bring earplugs or something like a deerstalker cap to cover your ears.

The Risks:
Some people in nightclubs are very dangerous and are not there to make new friends at all. These dangerous individuals at must be avoided at all costs. For example, if you wander out into the middle of the dance floor and start your dance procedure, a strange female might suddenly wrap her arms around you and give you a very tight hug indeed. If this does happen, keep calm and try not to panic. While you’re definitely more scared of her than she is of you, you can still escape this sticky situation. There are two things you can do in this situation. The first is to pretend you didn’t notice her, maybe take a Game Boy out of your pocket and start playing Tetris or something.

Unfortunately, this technique doesn’t always work, if this is the case it’s time to move to step two. In stage two what you have to do is start shaking around like you’re having some kind of seizure and then the female predator will let go of you to see what you’re doing. Once you are free of the female’s grasp you have a brief window of time to escape, the best thing to do is to simply run away as fast as you can to the other side of the club.

But, aside from the predators, another problem can be alcohol consumption by either yourself or your associates. What you may not realise is that alcohol causes a very strange process to happen: Your logical, rational mind is separated from your body, which is then taken over by a destructive, clumsy, fooligan. Once a certain amount of alcohol has been consumed, all you can do is watch through your eyes and despair as your body says and does things you would never naturally do.  This can be very dangerous indeed and many scholars would describe it as something akin to a demonic possession, and unfortunately there is nothing at all you can do. You should perhaps find a friend who doesn’t consume alcohol and politely ask them to restrain you if you happen to lose your mind.

Nightclubs may occasionally be fun, but they’re also very dangerous. For a more enjoyable evening you might consider inviting some friends to your house so you can watch a Doctor Who DVD.

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