The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle

After the first two novels (which were both very good), Arthur Conan Doyle started writing short stories about Holmes and Watson. Despite my love for the full length novels, I actually feel that short stories are a better format for their adventures and the first twelve of them are collected in this book. Here are my reviews of each of these books:

A Scandal in Bohemia
As much as I love him, I have to admit that Holmes does have some rather negative attitudes about women and in this story, he kind of gets his comeuppance. This is the story which introduces us to Irene Adler who never actually appears again in any of the original stories, but who has been used a lot by later authors. Personally, I think it’s one of the best Sherlock Holmes short stories and I really enjoyed its unexpected ending.

The Red-Headed League
Another of my favourites – in this one, Holmes and Watson are approached by a red-headed man who tells them of his successful application to join The Red-Headed League, which pays him quite well to simply spend four hours a day copying out the contents of an encyclopedia. Naturally he’s suspicious – especially when he shows up one day and finds it has disbanded without explanation. An enjoyable, lighthearted tale.

A Case of Identity
A woman comes to see Holmes to help her in regards to the disappearance of her fiance. It seems like quite a run of the mill mystery, but I’m sure you won’t guess what’s actually happening in this one. It’s quite out there, really, which I like. It may be a bit shorter than some of the other stories, but it’s still good.

The Boscombe Valley Mystery
This is more of a ‘straight’ murder mystery after the previous two stories had Holmes and Watson investigating rather more bizarre cases. Holmes is called in to try and defend a man who appears to be guilty based on the evidence so far. We get to see Watson’s wife for the first time since her introduction, we get to see Holmes making side remarks to Inspector Lestrade and I felt like the story and solution were all quite satisfying. Classic Sherlock Holmes.

The Five Orange Pips
An alternative title for this story could be “Sherlock Holmes vs. the KKK” because that’s basically what happens in this story. It’s a little darker than the average Holmes story, but I really like the premise. What I particularly enjoyed about it, is the fact that we get to see that Holmes and Watson (and, of course, Conan Doyle himself) were on the right side of history, in regards to racism.

The Man With The Twisted Lip
A woman comes to Holmes to tell him that her husband has disappeared. He was last seen looking distressed in the window of a known criminal – who then denies he was ever there. I don’t think anybody is likely to guess exactly what happened to him, because the resolution of this story is so bizarre, but it’s also quite comical. We also get a glimpse of the kind of things Holmes gets up to when Watson’s not around, which I appreciated.

The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle
A nice Christmassy tale which all starts when a client comes to Holmes to tell him that he has been erroneously given a Christmas goose that he never ordered. This ultimately turns out to be part of a much larger case. I like the Christmas setting and, while I don’t want to spoil anything, I like that this story gives us a bit of moralising from Holmes.

The Adventure of the Speckled Band
This is actually the one which Conan Doyle himself thought was the best Sherlock Holmes story. It’s a good one – although I don’t quite think it’s the best. A woman tells Holmes that her sister died after a bizarre experience a couple of years ago and is now worried because she has had that same bizarre experience. The ending is quite dramatic. I liked it.

The Adventure of the Engineer’s Thumb
This might just be the best story in this collection – or, at very least, a contender (a lot of the stories here are pretty great). Watson finds himself with a patient who has recently lost his thumb under some concerning circumstances, which ultimately leads to Holmes getting involved. While some of the stories are quite lighthearted, I find this one pretty darn disturbing and it has some rather violent imagery too. Really tense, really suspenseful, interesting and satisfying!

The Adventure of the Nobel Bachelor
Unfortunately, what may be the best of these stories is followed immediately by what is probably the worst. Holmes investigates the case of a woman who disappeared on her wedding day. I didn’t think the general premise was that interesting and the resolution wasn’t particularly exciting either. Nonetheless, this is still an enjoyable read because it’s full of that Holmesian charm! It’s entertaining to read about Holmes interacting with Lestrade and his client. I think Sherlock Holmes is generally one of those characters who I’ll always enjoy reading about – regardless of the story he’s in.

The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet
While the previous story is my least favourite in this collection, that brief dip in quality is instantly rectified with ‘The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet’ – in it, a man has found himself responsible for a very valuable gem (the beryl coronet) and wakes up one morning to find his unreliable son holding it in his hands (with some gems broken off it and missing) and he asks for Holmes’ help in finding out where they are. What I like about this story is that you’re given a house with several people in it, you’re given a crime and you’re given their alibi and you can kind of piece things together yourself. I’d figured out what really happened before the end and that felt good.

The Adventure of the Copper Beeches
The anthology ends with another rather menacing story. A young woman has been given an opportunity to work as a governess for exceedingly good pay, but has been told she needs to cut her hair short and do various other bizarre things on a regular basis, making her, understandably, concerned. It’s really hard to figure out what’s going on in this one and it’s one of the darker stories in the collection. I was genuinely concerned for the woman as the story went on, as the other characters were very sinister. It definitely ends on a high note.

On the whole, a fantastic collection and one which I think most people would enjoy. I am very, very fond of these short stories and many of the best ones are contained within this anthology. If you want to get into Sherlock Holmes stories, it could be a great place to start.

Rating: 9.2/10

Buy it here.

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50 Pop Funko Figures I’d Like to See

Something I really enjoy is the range of Pop Funko figures. It’s cool to see so many different characters from different mediums and backgrounds all being recreated and presented in the same way. It reminds us that everything is truly connected. It’s amazing how many different characters they have in their collection, because it’s very comprehensive. Having said that, I have noticed a few significant absences, so without further ado, here are 50 characters I’d like to see receive Pop figures in the near future.

  1. John-Boy Walton, from the TV series The Waltons.
  2. John-Boy Walton, from the TV movie The Homecoming.
  3. John-Boy Walton, from the 1990s Waltons reunion films.
  4. John-Boy Walton, as portrayed by Robert Wightman, from the eighth and ninth seasons of The Waltons.
  5. Olivia Walton, from the TV series The Waltons.
  6. Olivia Walton, from the TV movie The Homecoming.
  7. John Walton, from the TV series The Waltons.
  8. John Walton, from the TV movie, The Homecoming.
  9. Zebulon Walton, from the TV series The Waltons.
  10. Zebulon Walton, from the TV movie The Homecoming.
  11. Esther Walton, from the TV series The Waltons.
  12. Jason Walton, from the TV series The Waltons.
  13. Mary Ellen Walton, from the TV series The Waltons.
  14. Erin Walton, from the TV series The Waltons.
  15. Elizabeth Walton, from the TV series The Waltons.
  16. Ike Godsey, from the TV series The Waltons.
  17. Ike Godsey, from the TV movie The Homecoming.
  18. Corabeth Godsey, from the TV series The Waltons.
  19. Mamie Baldwin, from the TV series The Waltons.
  20. Emily Baldwin, from the TV series The Waltons.
  21. Earl Hamner (The Narrator), from the TV series The Waltons.
  22. Miss Rosemary Hunter, from the TV series The Waltons.
  23. Rev. Matthew Fordwick, from the TV series The Waltons.
  24. Reckless the Dog, from the TV series The Waltons.
  25. Chance the Cow, from the TV series The Waltons.
  26. Rose Burton, from the TV series The Waltons.
  27. Jeffrey, from the TV series The Waltons.
  28. Serena, from the TV series The Waltons.
  29. Josh Foster, from the TV series The Waltons.
  30. Verdie Foster, from the TV series The Waltons.
  31. Harley Foster, from the TV series The Waltons.
  32. Sarah Jane Simmons, from the TV series The Waltons.
  33. J.D. Pickett, from the TV series The Waltons.
  34. Ep Bridges, from the TV series The Waltons.
  35. Ep Bridges, from the TV series The Waltons.
  36. John Curtis, from the TV series The Waltons.
  37. Cindy Walton, from the TV series The Waltons.
  38. Flossie Brimmer, from the TV series The Waltons.
  39. Yancy Tucker, from the TV series The Waltons.
  40. Amy Godsey, from the TV series The Waltons.
  41. Maude Gormley, from the TV series The Waltons.
  42. Hank Buchanan, from the TV series The Waltons.
  43. Marcia Woolery, from the TV series The Waltons.
  44. Stanley Perkins, from the TV series The Waltons.
  45. Janet, from the 1990s Walton runion movies.
  46. Rover the Peacock, from the TV series The Waltons.
  47. Sissy Tucker, from the TV series The Waltons.
  48. Hawthorn Dooley, from the TV movie The Homecoming.
  49. Charlie Sneed, from the TV movie, The Homecoming.
  50. Donkey Kong

It’s weird that these cultural icons have been over looked, but in the near future I am sure we’ll see that changed. Soon you won’t be able to walk into a shop without seeing all of these.

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Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (Nintendo Switch)

Since the Wii U was a bit of a failure, it seems like a lot of the games which were originally exclusive to it have jumped onto the life raft that is the Nintendo Switch in order to extend their life spans and to reach more people. Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze was one of the best games on the Wii U and it’s now also one of the best games on the Switch. If you’re thinking about buying it, please do read my earlier review before I go over the benefits of this version.

The biggest and most marketed addition is that you can now play as Funky Kong (and for the first time in a Donkey Kong Country game!) who is much more capable than the other Kongs. He uses his surf board to stand on spiky surfaces and, to do double jumps and to slowly float downward from his jumps. He uses a snorkel so that he can breath under water, can roll infinitely and can take five hits. Some people say that he makes the game boring, but I find him really fun to play as. It’s great to be able to speed through the game’s hard levels and I think that Funky might be a good choice for those who are new to the series (as the game can be quite hard for newcomers.)

Funky may not seem like much, but after beating the final boss in Original Mode, I started a new file on “Funky Mode” and felt that going through as him was a fun and different experience. There are lots of small little extras too. Donkey Kong will now play with a Nintendo Switch in his idle animation. Levels now load more quickly. A new character called Tawks (a cool parrot) replaces Funky as shopkeeper when you play as him. (I hope we see Tawks again in the future.) In Funky Mode, players now have the option to play as Donkey, Diddy, Dixie and Cranky, but with extra hearts. Finally, the song used in the credits has been replaced with a new song – I like both equally, but it’s always good to get more David Wise music.

The improvements are small, but I say that this is definitely still worth buying if you have the original and, if you don’t, then this is a great way to play the game for the first time. Honestly, it’s better than the original. Oh, also, Donkey Kong’s nose has been redesigned for some reason and I’ve seen people who are angry about that. I have not feelings about that subject. #DonkeyKongsNoseDonkeyKongsRules

Rating: 9.8/10

Buy it here.

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Super Mario 3D World

I don’t know why, but Super Mario 3D World never looked that appealing to me. I just thought it seemed like a rather generic Mario game, so for a long time, I just didn’t buy it. Earlier this year, I was bought it as a gift and I realise that my initial reaction was all wrong. I can only say that I wish I’d bought it sooner, as this game is a delight.

While many of the core games in the series uses the storyline of Peach getting kidnapped by Bowser, this one changes things nicely by having Bowser kidnap Sprixie Princesses (which are small fairy creatures) instead. This may sound like a minor, insignificant detail, but it has one benefit: it allows the team from Super Mario Bros. 2 to return, with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Toad all playable and all quite different. The only very minor niggle I have is that it’s a blue Toad, rather than the Toad, as it was in the earlier game… but it doesn’t really matter.

The game is a lot like an enhanced version of Super Mario 3D Land and not just in terms of having more playable characters. The levels have a much greater level of diversity and, as a result, were more memorable: you get to ride Plessie (a dinosaur) down a river, you explore a spooky old haunted house in black and white, find keys to progress a baron snowy wilderness, use a canon power up to attack enemies in space or get though a level on the back of a moving train. Many of these new levels felt like a breath of fresh air, after some Mario games had used the same archetypes so many times.

The soundtrack is also really entertaining. There’s a very jazzy sort of feel to it, which is quite new for the series. Instead of remixing the same old tunes over and over, this is a game that makes the catchy tunes which will get remixed in later games. Bowser’s new theme song, in particular, was a favourite aspect of mine.

It’s also worth mentioning the game’s new power up: the Super Bell. Collecting it gives your character a cat suit which makes them walk on all fours, gives them the ability to climb walls, gives them a new pounce move and lets them swipe at enemies. At first it felt like a bit of a gimmick and I wasn’t too fond of it, but over time it grew on me and at this point I really like it. I hope that we will see it return in future games.

This is also the game which introduced Captain Toad as a playable character (though he had been an NPC before) which ultimately lead to him being the star of his own game. What makes him different to all the others is that he is unable to jump and he appears in special, smaller levels specifically designed with his limited abilities in mind. They were pretty fun and added a nice new type of challenge every now and then. There’s also a secret unlockable character – I won’t say who it was (to avoid spoilers) but I will say that once I unlocked her, I didn’t really use anybody else anymore…

Overall, a solid installment in the series. While I may generally prefer the more open 3D games, I can’t deny that I had a lot of fun with this game. I played it alone, but there is also the option to play with up to three other people at the same time, which must be fantastic. As a nice bonus, you also get the game Luigi Bros. which is Mario Bros. but with Luigi as the main character (as he should be). As it’s very easy to find this quite cheap these days, I definitely recommend it.

Rating: 9.2/10

Buy it here.

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Pokémon Gold Version and Pokémon Silver Version

Though I have been a fan of the franchise since the beginning, somehow or another I ended up skipping over Pokémon Gold & Silver. It was a shame because I knew that a lot of people regarded the second generation of Pokémon as the best generation, but time slipped away and before I knew it, the only real option would have been buying an old cartridge for a ridiculously high price and without any guarantee that it would still be able to save – this all changed with the delightful news that these two games were coming to the 3DS Virtual Console. I downloaded Pokémon Silver Version about a year ago and I have been playing it extensively ever since.

I was mildly concerned that I may find that it had aged terribly and that by playing it so late, I had missed my opportunity to truly enjoy and appreciate it. Thankfully, this was not the case. It improves over the first generation in several ways (for example, letting you use HM moves on the map just by pressing A, rather than having to pause and go through several menus or by adding a small Poké Ball symbol next to wild Pokémon to signify whether or not you’v caught them before). In terms of general gameplay, there are a lot of small changes like that which help to improve your ‘quality of life’ as you play – combined, they all help to give you a much more streamlined experience.

Visually, while it maintains the art style of the first two games, it also manages to improve upon them. So it never really loses the essence of the art from the first games, but it does lose the ugliness that was sometimes present in them. There are no longer weird bollard tiles everywhere, for example and the added colour does wonders. It looks better, even, than Pokémon Yellow Version, which had already attempted to enhance the visuals of the originals.

Obviously, at its heart, the gameplay is quite similar to the previous two games and that’s why I wanted to talk a lot about the improvements first. But it’s not just the same game again – not at all. The previous game had you play as a trainer who was starting out in the Kanto region, but this time you’re in the Johto region. I prefer Johto over Kanto for a few reasons. There are some more interesting locations (ancient temples, icy caves, etc.) and it also feels like more of a living breathing world – just in terms of things like the dialogue from NPCs, the radio channel you can listen to anytime and the services available, such a day care centres (for breeding Pokémon) and groomers (for increasing Pokémon happiness). You can swap mobile numbers with trainers you’ve defeated and they’ll call you up to chat or for a rematch from time to time. There are a lot of small details like this which really help to immerse you in the world.

With the story, while you are a different character, I’d say that this definitely a sequel to the first generation. With Pokémon this isn’t usually the case: each new generation is usually just ‘you’re a new person and you’re in a new region, time to start your adventure’ but this time there are a lot of ties to the previous games and even a lot of returning characters. I’d definitely recommend playing the first generation before these games for this reason – it does a great job of conveying the passing of time and how it changes people and places. I won’t spoil it, but the endgame content is really rewarding.

Overall, it just might be my favourite Pokémon generation. Aside from all the aspects I’ve mentioned, it’s also the game which introduced several of the Pokémon that are both popular and appealing to me personally, such as Pichu, Lugia, Ho-Oh, Unown, Tyranitar and Togepi. If you’re a fan and you haven’t played it, you should definitely give it a try and if you’re just a general gaming fan, I still recommend it as one of the all-time classics.

Rating: 9.7/10

Buy it here.

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Fighting Street

I had often heard people talk about Street Fighter II as if it were one of the best games ever made – a real classic, but strangely I never really heard anything at all about the first Street Fighter (a.k.a. Fighting Street). When it was released on the Wii Virtual Console, I was quite excited to download it and finally get into the series.

It turns out that nobody talks about the first game because it’s terrible. You play as the iconic Ryu (who I am sure most people will recognise) and he travels around the world fighting different people to prove his strength. You face ten different opponents from Japan, America, China, England and Thailand (two per country) and some of these fights take place at historic landmarks (such as the Great Wall of China or Mt. Rushmore.)

The concept certainly isn’t a bad one and the cast of characters is interesting and colourful. The problem is that the controls are really stiff and they hinder literally everything that you do. Every fight was really difficult and the only way I was able to win was by mashing the buttons mindlessly. There’s not much else I can say about this, although these could honestly be the worst controls I have ever encountered in a game.

But, as much as controls are the most important thing to get right, it is possible to take enjoyment from games with poor controls. For example, the 2006 Sonic the Hedgehog,which had awful gameplay, but still had a good soundtrack and some nice scenery. Unfortunately, this game has no redeeming features. The music is bad and the other sound effects are terrible – when somebody is knocked to the floor, there’s no bang or crash sound, instead it goes “blap” like somebody just dropped a cheesecake on the floor.

Something else I want to mention is the voice acting. You’re probably thinking that a game from 1988 wouldn’t have voice acting because the technology at the time wouldn’t have allowed for it, which would be fine and nobody would have complained. But for some reason it does have voice acting, except the sound quality is really, really poor and one person does all the voices. When you lose a fight, the opponent says “You’ve got a lot to learn. Try again kid!” and it sounds like it’s being said by somebody who doesn’t actually speak English, but is just reading the words spelled out phonetically. Since it’s really hard, I heard this so many times and it got really annoying.

So… there’s nothing good I can say. Not really. The best I can say is that it started the Street Fighter franchise which did later contain actual good games which wouldn’t have existed without this – although it’s hard to see how it ever got a sequel. Perhaps the version I played (the Turbo Grafx 16 version) is greatly inferior to the original, perhaps one day I’ll be able to play and review it to compare. As things stand, this is the worst game I’ve ever played.

Rating: 1/10

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Assassin’s Creed

I feel like a lot of my video game reviews start with me saying that such and such a video game franchise was one I always wanted to play, but never got around too. Well, guess what? Assassin’s Creed was a franchise that I always wanted to play and it was only recently that I got around to doing so.

Of course, today, Assassin’s Creed is one of the biggest names in modern gaming. However, after playing the first game, I was honestly surprised that it was able to survive beyond a single installment. Now, I don’t want to say that this was a bad game, but it certainly never felt like anything special and was usually either frustrating or boring.

The game follows the life of a man named Altaïr who gets sent off to assassinate different people in Jerusalem, Acre and Damascus. As an added twist, you’re not actually seeing things from Altaïr’s point of view, rather from the point of view of Desmond, a modern day descendant who is able to relive the experiences of his ancestors through a machine called the Animus – which he is being forced to do by an organisation called Abstergo.

In terms of Altaïr, there’s very little in the way of story – it’s basically go to your boss (Al Mualim), get told who to kill, find and kill them, then come back and start the cycle again. I found that the Desmond side of the story was far more interesting, but then all you ever do when you play as Desmond is get out of the Animus and then walk across the room to your bed, which isn’t very thrilling.

Playing as Altaïr can be quite fun. As a highly skilled assassin, he is able to climb up any walls he can get a grip on, which provides a nice element of freedom and exploration. You also get taught various different methods of killing people, which can be performed by pressing the right combination of buttons during combat. When I first started playing, I kind of enjoyed all this… but I started to get bored when I realised there wasn’t much else to it. Problems also began to become quite obvious before long as well.

While your climbing abilities are great for exploration-based gameplay – there’s no reason to explore. There are some nice bits of countryside, but they’re literally just paths to get between the three cities. Then when you’re in the cities, there’s nothing to find or do: no NPCs to talk to, no shops to visit, the same few tasks you get everywhere throughout the game (pick-pocketing documents from enemies, defending people from abusive guards, listening in on enemy conversations and, of course, assassinations) and that’s literally it save for a few pointless collectable trinkets. You’ll also find that the climbing doesn’t work that well – often Altaïr climb any higher, even though there’s clearly something to hold on to and sometimes he just won’t do what you want and ends up falling off the roof.

It’s probably not that much of a long game, but finishing it felt like an eternity. Just the same monotonous tasks over and over while you climb around the same three dusty, empty cities (you will find really, really annoying people on the streets though, who repeat the same bits of dialogue over and over). You’ll also find that the town guards will end up fighting you all the time (even when you don’t do anything wrong) and these fights are long and boring. With no levelling up and no in-game currency, there’s literally nothing to gain from fighting them either.

One thing I will say in it’s favour is that the very last bit is really quite intriguing. It wasn’t what I expected at all and I was really interested to find out more. The problem is that it ends as soon as it starts to get good (and kind of abruptly.)

So maybe buy this game if you see it for £1 somewhere (and you often do) then play it for the hour or so that it’s fun, then forget about it. The ending is pretty cool, but I don’t know that it’s worth going through all of the hours of boredom to get to it.

Rating: 5.8/10

Buy it here.

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Where Are They Now?

Over the years, I’ve known a lot of people – and I’m not just talking about friends. A lot of the blog posts here on Trusty Water Blog are about strange one-off encounters I have with unusual individuals who I happen across during my day to day life. It’s a little sad that I’ll never truly know what happened to them following our brief window of interaction, but a person can wonder…

  • Whatever happened to old Lofty? Corsham’s ‘town drunk’ as I have heard him described. Lofty was just a nickname that I knew him by and, as it turns out, Lofty was the very same nickname that he knew me by. I’ve not seen him around the streets in about five years, which is sad. He was quite old last time I saw him, so I like to believe he retired to a tropical island somewhere. Or maybe he’s now a beekeeper in the Sussex Downs, like his father. Either way, he’s been more successful than Elvis Presley.
  • Whatever happened to that woman who approached me in a nightclub in London, only to compliment Colin the Cow in my pocket? I will never know. I could re-meet her and not know, since I can’t remember her face. Hopefully she owns a prestigious toy shop where she gets to look at cute finger puppets all day long.
  • Whatever happened to that man who taught my friend Mairi and I how to lure the Loch Ness Monster out of its secret underground cave system using only a smiley face t-shirt? Well, I hope that he returned to see the monsters one more time, luring them out with a smiley face shirt (as he claimed to have done previously) before joining them to live out the rest of his days in peace in their underground cave system.
  • Whatever happened to the the young woman who stripped herself fully naked over ChatRoulette after I suggested we play Word Association? Well, hopefully she connected to the guy who masturbated over the camera while I tried to articulate that I didn’t enjoy watching him do so and they both enjoyed some sexual internet shenanigans together, after all, I don’t want anyone to be sexually frustrated! But, having said that, I have two other hopes for their future: I hope that they both have now learned the importance of consent in all sexual scenarios and I also hope that the women learned to appreciate Word Association. It’s really fun.
  • Whatever happened to the homeless woman who forcefully kissed me for several minutes on the streets of Bath? Well, first of all, I hope she’s not homeless anymore – homelessness is the shame at the heart of our society, after all. After that, I hope that she educated herself about consent and sexual harassment, as it was apparent to me that these were two areas of knowledge in which she was sadly lacking.
  • Whatever happened to the friend-turned-enemy who threatened me with a knife? Well, in part, I do know, because I passed him on the street on night six years later and he didn’t follow up on his promise to stab me “next time” so I like to imagine that between then and now he spent some time in prison, reflected on his crimes and came out of it a better person.

It’s sad not to have closure about such things, but then, in life, sometimes we don’t get closure even when dealing with people we have been very close with – let alone strangers we share a single experience with. But it’s nice to wonder and it’s nice to imagine. I want them all to be happy. As there are many other people like this that I could be musing about in this post, I may well write something similar to this in the future. We shall see…

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John Dies at the End by David Wong

On one hand, I want to say that this novel is a “comedy horror” but on the other hand, I worry that describing it as such would put people off, because things like the Scary Movie franchise have made comedy horror synonymous with poor quality (for some). On the other hand, this is a horror novel with a lot of comedy elements – it’s probably best not to worry about how to label it and instead think of it as a very good and unique novel.

And the extent to which it is unique cannot be overstated. It’s about two guys, one called David (Wong) and the other called John. Due to a horrible experience they once both shared, the two of them are conscious of the supernatural things in the world which most people cannot see. This means that they’re the ones who are called in whenever somebody has some kind of other-worldly experience. For example, early on they find themselves investigating a man made out of pieces of meat and yes, I know, all men are technically made out of pieces of meat, but I mean chopped up pieces of animal meat which have formed into the shape of a human – something which is both ridiculous and really quite horrifying if you think about it.

I think the fact that a lot of this novel is so ridiculous often leads you into a false sense of security. The threats in this novel are real and people do die – so while one page you’ll be having a laugh about something quite funny, the next you’ll be a little bit traumatised after somebody you kind of liked dies in a really horrible and violent.

But it’s certainly not just senseless violence and absurdist horror. A great deal of thought has gone into this book. There are three main characters: David, John and Amy and they’re all very well developed indeed. David is horribly cynical about the world (and understandably, given his life) and it’s from his perspective that the story is told. John, meanwhile, is a bit of an idiot, but a really loveable idiot and I sometimes wondered if he played the fool in order to put other people at ease (e.g. making jokes about the size of his penis when they’re in life and death situations) while Amy is, I suppose, the ‘normal person’ of the three, in that she felt most like the kind of person you might encounter in reality. All of them have very interesting lives and I was worried for the safety of them all – especially John, what with the book’s title!

The setting receives an equally high level of development. I don’t want to go into too much detail, because a lot of it is fun to discover yourself at you read – but the last section of the novel is absolutely crazy. Everything is tied together in a way that makes sense, but which is also terrifying, bizarre and off the walls insane. I loved it, because it was probably the weirdest thing I’d ever read. But not just weird in a ‘what a strange idea’ sort of way, but in the sort of way that actually gets you thinking about things in the real world.

I can fault it in only three real places: the first is that I felt like it was too long. Had it been 20-30% shorter, it may have flowed better. The second was that the plot was quite disjointed, as if it had been made up on as Wong went along – but in fairness, since it was originally serialised on the internet, it probably was made up as he went along. Finally, the ‘stupid man’ behaviour of David and John can become occasionally irritating – but thankfully, I didn’t feel that it was to the extent of spoiling the characters. I’d definitely recommend this to fans of the horror genre and especially for anyone hoping to read something wacky and unique (but not without a genuine heart and soul).

Rating: 8.2/10

Buy it here.

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Midnight Rescue

Around a year ago, I was out on my evening walk. Things were running a little later than usual (due to sibling-related delays) and it must have been somewhere between 10:30pm and 11pm when this anecdote took place.

I was walking through the neighbourhood, when somebody opened their front door and started approaching me.

“Hey. Can you help me out?” she asked. Since it was so late and she was a complete stranger, I assumed that it must be something quite serious, so I agreed to offer my help.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There’s a huge spider in my house. You need to catch it. I can’t sleep knowing that it’s in here.”

“Oh, okay,” I said. “That’s fine.” Being an experienced spider catcher, I imagined that this was something I’d be able to get sorted quite quickly and easily. Spoiler alert: I was a little over-optimistic.

“It’s just in the kitchen,” she said, leading me to the door, but unable to go through due to fear.

“Whereabouts?” I asked as I peeped through.

“Right on the wall at the back. It’s huge. You can’t miss it.”

“Okay. I’m going to use a glass to catch it, if that’s okay?”

“That’s fine. Just do whatever you have to do. I need to get it out of here.”

So I wandered into the kitchen and had a look at the wall at the back. It was conspicuous in that it was completely spider-free. I looked around, but I couldn’t see it anywhere. I turned around and reported back to my new arachnophobic friend.

“I couldn’t see it anywhere in there,” I said. “Most likely it’s just gone back inside the walls where it will stay without bothering you. I wouldn’t be surprised if you never see it again.”

“Oh god,” she said, her eyes widening with fear. “Don’t say that. Just knowing that it’s still in the house will keep me up all night. You’re going to have to find it.”

“Well,” I said, a little skeptical that I’d be able to find it, “I can certainly take a more thorough look around.”

“Thank you so much,” she said, before retreating to a point even further from the kitchen.

When I got back to the kitchen, it was still looking peaceful and spider-free. Now, I won’t bore you with a description of the kitchen, but it wasn’t small and it wasn’t empty. There were a lot of things in it that a spider might hide on or inside and there was a pantry as well. So, I spent quite some time searching every nook and cranny.

Eventually I found it! The problem was that it was in the small space between the wall and the radiator. Quite honestly, I would have thought that it’d just stay there all night, but I knew that she wouldn’t really be satisfied with that. I needed to report back again.

“Hello,” I said, smiling friendlily at the woman who was now at the opposite side of the living room. “Do you have anything long and thin that I might use for spider-poking purposes? I have found it, but I am going to need to coax it out before I can catch it.”

“Yeah, sure,” she said, grabbing a gardening fork out of  the shadows of the room. “Will this work?”

“It might!” I said.

As it turns out, it didn’t. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried before, but it’s really hard to shove a gardening fork into the back of a radiator with any level of precision. Thankfully, I did not need the gardening fork, because I found a piece of paper in the kitchen which was long enough to poke the spider when approached from underneath.

Instantly, the spider was on the move, scurrying around everywhere. I had two concerns – first, I wanted to get out of the way, because I didn’t want it to crawl on me (those things have huge fangs). Secondly, I didn’t want it to hide somewhere else, because I’d already been hunting it for almost half an hour.

I’m pretty proud of what happened next. I got back up onto my feet (having previously been laying on the floor next to the radiator) then quickly went back down and perfectly trapped the spider under the glass – something which required better aim than I usually have.

“I have it!” I called to the woman as I carried it out of the house. I released it a fair distance from her house and then came back to her.

“I’ve just released it down the road,” I said. “Hopefully now it will just go into the house of somebody who isn’t afraid of spiders.”

“Thank you so much,” she said. “Honestly, I am utterly terrified of the things.”

“It’s no problem,” I said – and that was that. Sometimes as I walk past that same house on later evening walks, I wonder if she’ll appear again, but I have never seen her again. Or, at least, I don’t think so – I am very bad with faces.

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